You can't swing a bag without hitting a narcissist
Or can you?
A decade ago I was climbing a long staircase up a mountain, ascending slowy with a crowd of people to the temple at the top. Somewhere in the foothills of the Himalayas. I can't remember which deity the temple was for but I remember my intention, as I approached the top I reached up to ring the bell, reciting my intention again and again like a mantra:
TRUST
The next day I met a man at the hotel pool, funny & charismatic, he took me to see an elephant and showed me the cool clubs in Delhi. He turned out to be one of the most untrustworthy people I've ever met. And I ignored the voice whispering to me that things were NOT what they seemed for many months before it was basically screaming.
In another relationship, I remember sitting at a dinner date with extreme anxiety. I kept a steady flow of wine until I drowned out the feeling of shakiness in my body. Numbing out what it was effectively trying to tell me- stop and listen, I don’t feel safe.
I kept wondering why the universe was sending me narcissists I couldn't trust when I asked for trust. But relationships are perfect mirrors, and after many years I came to realize- it was myself I couldn't (or wouldn't) trust.
The quiet voice, the tensions in my body- I was ignoring my own guidance, and continued anxiously attaching to what seemed familiar - the avoidant styles showing me the pattern I'd known since childhood. The universe wasn’t “sending me narcissists”, I was seeking them out, drawn to the chaos and emotional unavailability like a moth to flame. I was unconsciously finding what felt familiar, what I knew love to be.
Last night I was watching Indian Matchmaking on Netflix (don’t @ me), and I watched a similar story play out. A vibrant, beautiful and successful woman meets a grounded, secure man. He takes it slow and she gets bored. So she ditches him for a man 8 years younger who comes in strong with passion and grand gestures, only to dump her a month later. She gets angry and upset, but is completely unaware that she threw a good, secure thing away for a fun fling. Instead of recognizing her own impatience and unclear communication, she deems herself broken and unlovable.
Looking back on my many past failed relationships, I'm so grateful for those experiences, as difficult and embarrassing as they feel now, I know my prayer was being answered. It took a long time for me to become conscious of my patterns and stop being a victim of “the universe”, but with time, patience and perseverance, I finally know the freedom of interdependency and self trust. It was hard earned.
I am super excited to announce my new course, Relational Healing, will be launching on the New Moon in Libra! If you want to get a little taste of what I will cover, join me for a FREE 1 hour live gathering on the eve of the Fall Equinox for a special wisdom share and energetic centering!
Queen of Wands + Nature Spirits
Fiery, protective and full of passion, the Queen of Wands is a fun energy to embody. Whether we are launching a new project, in social butterfly mode, or manifesting a dream into reality, this energy helps us to get in touch with our inner fire.
The Queen is unapologetic in her pursuits and doesn’t take no for an answer. An intoxicating mix of willpower, charm and charisma fuel her relentless drive to go after what she desires. Nature spirits encourages us to temper our fire with time outdoors, connecting with the trees, fairies and bounty of the harvest season. Perhaps this combination of fire and earth is the perfect alchemy to bring our creations out into the world. This week, channel the confidence of the Queen to go after your desires and have a little fun!
Vibes:
Courage, confidence, independence, social butterfly, determination, spice it up 🌶, harvest altars & meals, Fall Equinox rituals, my relational healing gathering, time outdoors, building fairy houses, communing with nature, standing in your power, having fun, cultivating passion, third chakra practices like core work, breath of fire and deep belly / diaphragmatic breathing, COREgeous, the colors yellow and orange