The Demon of the Third Chakra 👹
+ new beginnings ✨
This week, as I spent a few days in my bed with a Full Moon flu, I thought a lot about shame. In my work and my studies, shame is considered the “demon” of the third chakra, what throws it out of balance. The third chakra is the solar plexus, it is associated with fire- our will power, ego, sense of self, autonomy and confidence. With the full moon conjunct fiery Mars retrograde (read more about this transit here), we may have been confronted with themes around anger, shame, our autonomy and how we communicate these things or project ourselves out into the world.
I had been noticing a trigger coming up with my daughter because she has been asking for new toys everyday and getting very upset when I tell her no. I tried to explain Christmas is coming, we can’t get new things everyday, yada yada, but nothing seemed to stop her insatiable desire and constant wants.
In my personal reflection, I questioned why I was triggered by this- what within me wanted her to stop wanting so much, why did I feel she was being so “ungrateful”. And one night it hit me, I heard the voice of my own mother calling me selfish and ungrateful - I was taught from a young age to silence my wanting, that connecting with and especially expressing my desires, leads to punishment and shame.
My Christmas list is big this year. I want a lot of things. I don’t necessarily expect to get them, I haven’t sent it to Santa but in the past, I could never think of anything when my partner asked - I always just said, “whatever don’t worry about it”. And even though I haven’t quite asked for it all, I feel hopeful that I at least gave myself permission to have these wants in the first place.
I had a dream on the night of the full moon, where I was walking a friend through my childhood home. I felt so embarrassed by how messy and unsophisticated everything looked, I keep apologizing for it. When I did my dream work the next morning I realized just how much shame and embarrassment I still feel for my past, for who I was, how I grew up, what I was told to believe about myself and the world. I felt so clearly how much effort I put in to proving that I was not that, I was different, I was something more.
But I realized that the judgement I have for myself, for my parents, for my past, is the same judgement I fear getting from others. In truth there is nothing anyone else can say to me that I have not already said to myself.
In her research, Brené Brown explains the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is when we measure our actions against our values and see if they line up, shame is when we internalize a feeling of worthlessness. Guilt says, “I did something bad”. Shame says, “I am bad”.
She goes on to say that there are three things that exemplify shame - silence, secrecy and judgement. But when we speak our shame, when we seek out connection and when we douse it with empathy, it can no longer survive.
So here I am, speaking my shame out loud, and forgiving myself for my judgement. Forgiving my parents for their judgement, because now, I can see how difficult and exhausting motherhood can be. How my mother grew up in a second generation Polish family with four brothers and sisters and very little money to go around. How my desires triggered her own upbringing, but she didn’t have the tools to understand that, and so shamed me the way she was probably shamed herself.
I wonder how many of us move through life this way, feeling so unworthy of true connection and belonging, like we are walking on the outskirts of a world where we never truly fit in.
In a poem I wrote and shared here back in September I wrote the line: “prom queen, snow queen, cheerleader caption, hot hippie, skater girl, graduating with honors nerd - who do you want me to be? I can shapeshift faster than the moon” and while it’s sad to have to contort yourself to feel like you fit in, I also see the brilliance in it. What a strong, resilient little girl I was to be able to see, with so much precision exactly was needed and then become it. To seek out and find all the acceptance and recognition I so deeply longed for from my parents, and get it from my peers, my teachers and my grades, to find a way to shine through all the darkness.
My background is flawed, my past is so painful, I’ve lost a lot of connections with much of my core family as I work to heal from past traumas. But I can’t “heal out of it” - I can’t make it go away or outrun it. I can’t evolve past it because as much as it pains me to admit, it will always be a part of me, of who I am and of who I have become.
It’s hard because even now I want to list out all the things I'm doing to heal and be more evolved so y’all see me a certain way, as worthy and lovable and important. But what you think of me doesn’t matter if I can’t access that sense of belonging within. No amount of external recognition will ever soothe the bitterness inside of me. Only I can do that. To tell my inner child that she is good inside, to see my past with compassion over judgement and let it integrate. Because who I am now and who I was then can’t live isolated from each other, one just doesn’t exist without the other. Can I bridge the gap between these polarities and find the similarities instead of the differences? Maybe then I become more whole.
As this full moon wanes and we approach the holidays, I’m reflecting on these questions - Where does my judgement hold me back from connection? What part of myself needs compassion? How have I let my past define me, rather than inform me? What parts of myself need a voice and am I listening? What are my deeper wants and desires at this time?
Wishing you all a lovely week! If you would like to work with me, there is still a little time left to purchase a 2023 Year Ahead Spread, or book a session on my site. I have some cool new offerings opening up for the new year, including mentorship openings!
Judgement (Discernment)
Traditionally, Judgement is a card associated with forgiveness and compassion- extended to ourselves and others. It is an opportunity for rebirth, to rise above petty arguments, to look past separation and extend a true empathy. Judgement comes when we are ready to touch into the heart chakra, to live from a place of kindness over defensiveness, to see the good in others instead of projecting our own fear and insecurity outwards. As one of the last cards of the Major Arcana, it takes a lot of inner work, experience and personal responsibility to get to this lesson, and we are offered much freedom in return. Freedom from victimhood, bitterness and the pain of living from our wounds.
In this particular deck, the author uses the word Discernment, insinuating that we have already begun this rebirth, and made many changes. Now from this new place, we will witness life through a different lens, and therefore, will need to make new decisions. Many situations that felt good in the past will now be intolerable, as we have evolved. As you move forward into this week, there may be decisions to make, new choices available, or changes occurring - how can you approach this with a discerning eye? Can you tap into your heart before you decide? Can you extend a kindness or compassion out to others in need?
Vibes:
Forgiveness meditation, heart chakra healing, harth reiki symbol, gentle restorative backbends, the colors pink and green, walking away from gossip, and low vibes, taking the high road, vulnerability, secret Santa gifts and donations to your favorite charities, trusting your inner authority, EFT on releasing judgement