Should I stay or should I go?

and other Q's Mercury in Libra might ask....

Lovers in Love

There was a time when I constantly questioned should I stay or should I go?

On the surface I knew the answer, fucking leave. You’re in a toxic shit show.

But something under the surface, deep under the surface…..

But it was also fear - of being alone. Anxious attachment, codependent, dissociative asshole. I was too scared to leave. But too scared to stay with my whole heart. So I lived in the in between.

Half here. Half there. Loyal on the surface. Ten tons of wall around my heart.

Hot bartender. Artist. Creative. Dad. Alcoholic. Coke head. Chaos. Felt just like home.

What’s to say about trust when you don’t trust yourself? What’s to say about stability when you’ve only known chaos?

Drunk mother. Dead brother. Pain is my middle name. I don’t trust anything other than black and white.  The in between feels too vulnerable for me. And yet, I live there, suspended somewhere between here and there. I don’t quite fit in anywhere.

But they wouldn’t know.

Prom queen. Snow queen. Cheerleader captain. Hot hippie, skater girl, graduating with honors nerd- who do you want me to be? I can shapeshifter faster than the moon.

NYC- the perfect place to get lost and found. Unlimited opportunity, millions of men, millions of dollars, one long party that never ends.

Apartments, brownstones, steak houses, live music, subway, cab, taxi, high rise, parks, beaches, friends, coworkers, bankers, brokers, lawyers, yogis, artists, film kids, Long Island, west Chester, west village, Brooklyn, India, tulum, LA, clubs, concerts, shows, strangers, fighting on the street, making out on the train, sunbathing on a bench, 10 clients a day, suits, yoga mats, matcha, vegan ice cream, witches, bad bitches.

No reason to stop. The energy keeps you going like a high.

But once in awhile, you crash and burn. The floor falls out beneath you, the city slaps you in the face. You lose your phone, you lose your man, you lose your voice, you lose your rent stabilized apartment, you lose your client base to a ponzi scheme.

You keep searching and searching but underneath it all, you keep hearing that voice. Slow down, listen, go this way, don’t go that way.

Meditate. Medicate. Breathe. Stretch. Grow. Slow. Slower.. Slow… Fast friends, fast fucks, STOP, look, listen. There’s something else here.

Shakti. Prana. Reiki. Symbols. Visions in my sleep. Energy in my hands. Your hand in mine. I can’t stand to hear your heartbeat, it reminds me it can stop at any time.

I wrote (and spoke) this last year during Mercury’s retrograde through Libra, it was a period of deep reflection on my relationship patterns. This is the beauty of a retrograde, it gifts us a lens to see the past in a new way, just as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

I was a girl lost in love, lost in the city, in so many ways I didn’t even know or understand my traumas. So I kept repeating them. Every partnership an opportunity to find myself a little bit more, to understand where I begin and they end. A long search for autonomy after shapeshifting through my early years.

In many ways, I’m still doing this, still recovering parts of myself I left behind, voices I bypassed, decisions I failed to make or defaulted to others. Still tentatively leaning into the vulnerability of being seen, of having a voice.

Libra is an energy that helps us to cooperate, to differentiate, to find the balance between give and receive. As Mercury shifts into retrograde this week on the 9th, it’s an excellent opportunity to reflect on your past relationships, and how they’ve helped you become who you are today.

Rituals/Resources:

😋 Smitten Kitchen is releasing a new book!
💖 This yoga nidra for some soul medicine before bed (or whenever you have time!)
🪞 This article felt relevant for the season
🌕 There is a full moon in pisces on Sunday, a beautiful time for spiritual practice

Wayhome Tarot, Postcards from the Liminal Space, Prism Oracle

Justice, rx + Glitch & Success

Justice is associated with Libra, so again we see ties to the Mercury transit through Libra this month. In the upright position, Justice seeks fairness and favors collaboration and balance. However, when I see it reversed, I think of the shadow aspects - when we get stuck in extremes, unable to see the nuance of gray areas.

Black & white thinking, perfectionism and indecision reign here. We are so focused on pleasing others, we forget to check in with ourselves.

But there is a glitch in the matrix. This isn’t the reality of the situation, just a lack of self trust. There is no “right or wrong” decision, there is nothing you really “should” do. There is only the decision you make, and if you trust yourself enough to make it, it’s better than remaining in suspended animation.

Success shows me we are ready to look at these imbalances. We are ready to see the many, many options between black and white. We are ready to show up as messy, imperfect humans and give it a g*d damn shot, because, why not?!

Vibes:
bold decisions, imperfection, EFT on self trust, BOTH/AND instead of EITHER/OR, holding polarities, fun collabs, successful ventures, weighing your options, standing tree pose, Nadi sodhana pranayama