Power Struggles
New Moon in Scorpio / Solar Eclipse 🦂💥
This week I’ve been locked in a power struggle with my six year old. She wants to wear the white boots, I want her to wear the brown. Logic doesn’t work. Yelling / demanding only makes her resist harder. Then the whining starts…
She slides her body along the ground like a slug while making a terrible high pitched whine. “I wanna wear the white boots, white boots, white boots, WHITE BOOTS.”
This is the trigger point for me, the whine, it hits something deep and I want to rage or run or lose it. Instead I hide in my bedroom and look up Dr. Becky on instagram. She says we should meet whining with light hearted play - are you fucking kidding me?
Of course it makes perfect sense that my sweet six year old just wants to make a g*ddamn choice in her life, which is filled with a lot of “do this, time to do that” and not a lot of autonomy. Would it really matter if she wore the white boots? Who am I trying to please?
So why is it so easy to read and understand that this is a totally normal thing in her childhood development, then when the time comes and I’m all prepped and ready with my tools, I lose it for a second time after school?! Why does light hearted play not come naturally to me? I guess they don’t call them triggers for nothing.
The reaction comes from deep within, not from my logical brain that read Dr. Becky’s message, but from some primal part of me that seems to take over when the whine starts. I try to reason with it, and I try to breathe, but just like Ruby, it doesn’t listen to logic, it only fights harder.
Then it hits me, I’m not fighting with my six year old daughter. I’m fighting with six year old Holly inside me, the one who never whined because she would be punished. The one who wasn’t seen, heard or engaged in much light hearted play. I often wonder why it seems so much easier for my partner to play, when I try to play the only thing I can think about is organizing the toys strewn all over the floor.
This whole pattern has happened dozens of times. Ruby and I get locked in a power struggle for days/ weeks, whether it’s leaving the playground, getting out the door for school or a bedtime brawl, we find a way into the argument. Each time I get frustrated, lose my patience, yell and then when alone, go into a shame spiral and cry.
Why am I such a shitty parent? Why do none of the other children scream, “you’re choking me” at their parents when they are just trying to safely guide them back to the car? Why do I consider just not taking her anywhere in public so I can avoid humiliation when it’s time to leave?
Each time I reach for some tools, Dr. Becky or Unruffled podcast, I hear or read the stories of so many other parents locked up in the same patterns, and get the tools I need. It takes days or weeks of practice to actually switch from reaction, to response.
The hard thing about breaking cycles and relational patterns is that there is no frame of reference, we have to make it up. It’s easy to blame my kid for not listening, it’s fucking hard to engage in light hearted play (for me). Just the same way it was easy to blame my partner for his addiction, instead of taking responsibility for my own enabling and role in the toxic cycle we were both playing out.
When light hearted play isn’t on the table, it’s up to me to sit with myself and ask why I’m stuck in this pattern. What part of me feels threatened? How can I shift from control to curiosity? Is there a boundary I’m not setting or holding? Why? When I give myself the time and space to sit with my triggers and the feeling they bring up, then I learn to respond and show up as the leader my child needs, instead of living in fear based reactions and authoritative demands.
And actually, I haven’t quite made it out of this one yet. But I have made it out before, so I’m trusting I will find a way to make it out again. I don’t know how or when, and I’m hoping if you’re reading this you aren’t judging me because when it comes to parenting, I fall into self criticism pretty easily. And I also know my daughter feels that too, so I work hard to love and forgive myself everyday. This is the beauty of relational work, once you learn the tools, it’s gets easier to trust you can apply them, and it gets easier over time.
As we move into Scorpio Season and the new moon/ solar eclipse on Tuesday, I hope you can be easy on yourself if you are wrapped up in any struggles, whether internal, external or any conflicts that come your way. Eclipses bring transformation and shifts, and I'm hoping it gives us a little more access to our personal power, by way of softness, sovereignty and trust.
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🌹 Relational Healing Course - a self led journey into healing & cultivating safety / trust in your partnerships
🔮 Spirit Sessions - powerful one on one sessions customized to your needs, a combination of tarot, reiki and other modalities for guidance, self care and energetic healing
📿 Mentorship - I have one spot open for mentorship starting in November. This is a deep dive into healing and spiritual work, for those that want support on a personal journey or those ready to offer their healing gifts in the world, explore new tools and coaching with me!
🧿 2023 Year Ahead Spread - This reading is a comprehensive look at the upcoming year to give you guidance and ritual to follow each month. It is an in-depth 13 card spread: a card for the theme of the year and one for each month.
🫶🏼 Substack subscription - each month I curate special content for my paid subscribers, for November i’ll be giving you an eclipse survival guide! Expect channeled messages, meditations, rituals & practical magic for each month
The Magician + Healer
As the sun, Venus, mercury and the moon all head into scorpio this week, we have our first eclipse of the season. Eclipse season happens twice per year and invites change and transformations in a certain area of our life that we will most likely work with for the entire year, whether it’s a big life lesson, or smaller, more day to day shifts we see over time.
The Magician is card #1 in the Major Arcana (the soul journey cards of the tarot). It invites masculine energy, action, alchemy and adventure. The Magician holds all the tools of the tarot - he has each suit with him, and works with all the elements. A natural Healer, he channels universal energy with ease.
This week feels like a powerful time to take a leap forward and work your magic. You don’t need to study anymore, to keep looking for more tools, information or resources.
Trust you have everything you need to take the next right step. You are a healer, whether it comes from teaching, or a kind smile to a stranger, we all have a huge capacity to bring healing into the world. Do not underestimate your own reach, every step you take towards healing, affects everyone you come into contact with in some way, big or small.
Vibes:
magic & alchemy, inspired action, leaps of faith, self trust, personal power, manifestation, taking risks, going for it, a new moon altar with each element represented on it, new opportunities, commitment to your goals