I first watched Sex and the City when I was 20, in college when my roommate shared her box set with me (remember dvd’s?!). Since then I’ve probably watched the entire series start to finish dozens of times. Often during transitional time, like fall or when I’m moving or starting a new project - the nostalgia, knowing exactly what happens next is so soothing when life feels anything but so.
Watching in my 20’s, Carrie was such a relatable character, a fashion girl looking for love in the city. Mr. Big was, of course, the villain - rich and handsome but unwilling to commit, it made perfect sense to me (except how she afforded her couture and an apartment w/ a walk-in closet).
Watching in my 40’s, I cringe at Carrie’s codependent behavior, and realize Big is actually emotionally mature, setting healthy boundaries, and acting like a securely attached person, while Carrie blows through his boundaries, demands constant attention and makes crazy ultimatums.
No wonder being codependent felt so normal to me, it was modeled by my parents and reinforced by society and media. I wish I knew back then that the thrills I was chasing were just my chaos addiction, my nervous system looking for it’s next hit of cortisol. That butterflies in my stomach were actually just anxiety, that grand gestures usually come from those that want something in return.
How lonely it really was to be caught up in this constant “game” of cat and mouse, a toxic cycle, and even when I was with someone, I could never really feel myself. Independence was easy, but getting lost in relationship was like a drug, it feels good for a little bit, until the hangover starts to kick in. Then the anxiety, the questions, the fear of abandonment and the walls I didn’t even know I had constructed around my heart all come up.
Getting vulnerable with others wasn’t even an option because I couldn’t do so with myself. The real work of relational healing came from the moments when I allowed myself to feel what I was so armored against. The grief of neglect, the fear of abandonment, the pain of not really being known by others.
My wounds became portals into healing, taking me deeper into parts of myself locked away so long ago I didn’t even remember them anymore. The people in my life became mirrors, especially the ones strong enough to stand up to my stubborn Aries bs and challenge me. Again and again, I had to face something I didn’t want to see. Something I didn’t understand because it just really existed as a feeling in my body. But I let myself get close to it. I let myself get closer and closer to it until eventually it dissolved and then I knew myself better. I knew myself in an intimate way.
Looking back I can witness myself with so much love and compassion, because now I really do know her- I have taken the time, energy and effort to really stop and see her, to be with her, not because I want something, but just because she matters to me. And that is a gift no one can take away.
Blessings to you on this New Moon in Libra, I hope it allows for relational healing that brings you closer to yourself (and others) in the most intimate of ways.
My new course is now live for the New Moon in Libra! Check it out here - it’s a labor or love filled with personal stories, and lots of tools and resources that have served me over the years!
Three of Wands + Interdependence
Three of Wands asks us to level up, to look ahead with vision and imagine more for ourselves. It’s all about stepping beyond the comfort zone and expanding into something new. Interdependence is of course, perfect for this week’s new moon in libra- a reminder of the delicate balance of our interconnected ecosystem. No move you make happens in isolation, it ripples out to those you come into contact with.
How can you step into a greater sense of balance? Where everyone involved benefits? No one needs to play small in this situation, all can and should win.
The universe offers protection now for you to evolve, maybe this new moon is a doorway into that cosmic garden, so plant the seeds for whatever you want to grow.
Vibes:
grounding and protection rituals to help you feel safe while you expand, body oiling, foot massage. long walks, breath of fire, vision boards, core work, taking up space, standing balancing poses, labradorite, fluorite and smokey quartz, rosemary and chamomile, relational healing course, new moon intentions