It took me a long time to realize stability was something I lacked. I moved to NYC fiery and ambitious, ready to take on the city and prove my worth.
I never thought much about moving from job to job, I got bored easily, the company sucked, my boss was an asshole, the economy collapsed - I didn’t like it, so I left.
Jobs, relationships, apartments - easy come, easy go. I bounced around, kept looking for the “right thing”.
Deep down I longed for something stable, safe, a place to root down. I searched for it in homes, jobs, boyfriends, friendships, even some older clients, but it never felt right, never stuck and I never felt like enough. Enough for someone to invest in, to trust in, to commit to. I couldn’t see my lack of vulnerability or discipline, I used charisma in place of confidence.
When you are born into chaos & instability, it’s hard to recognize or understand what is secure, you find it but you don’t trust it, you can’t get vulnerable enough to let your weight drop into it… letting go feels like death.
And it is, in a way, an ego death at least. Death of a part of myself, the way I hold myself back from the world.
Studies have shown that when we experience any type of trauma or even economic stressors, it adversely affects the cognitive parts of our brain - the pre frontal cortex - responsible for sound decision making and long term planning. What results is a lot of impulse decision making, rather than seeing the bigger picture.
For me, this showed up in many areas, I was always drawn to work that wasn’t consistent, that fluctuated with big highs and lows, or worked on commission only so I was always living on that edge of needing to keep pushing and pressing the gas in my career, for fear of the next down turn.
When I do restorative yoga, I practice being in relationship with my support. Can I give my weight to it? Can I really let go? What does it feel like to be supported by the ground, can I receive it? I observe the places where my body meets the earth.
Over time I’ve learned to put this practice into everyday life. Like my yoga props, I put into place the support I need and practice giving my weight to it. I buy a daily planner and set up structures and routines. I make promises to myself and keep them.
Like a good student, I did my research and read Atomic Habits by James Clear, and learned how to habit stack and do a little each day with discipline and consistency. I drink 64oz of water, do meditation and move my body everyday. I show up for myself even when I don’t want to because I know I will feel good after. I’ve learned that the younger part of me needs this. The little girl who lived in chaos, who never received validation, repressed her emotions and learned to doubt herself.
When I make promises and keep them, I gain self trust and also feel more aligned with my personal values. I only make commitments I know I want to keep and don’t waste time exploring options that aren’t aligned with my integrity. It’s also improved my relationships because I don’t need to outsource so many decisions or seek external validation. I trust myself to make the decisions that are right for me instead of seeking advice, pulling cards or looking to see how other people do it.
Slowly, over time, with patience and persistence, I am starting to see the results of my labors in a bigger way. My savings are growing, my work schedule is more streamlined and my relationships are stronger and more trusting. I feel less stressed by everyday things in life.
This week we have a full moon/lunar eclipse in Taurus, highlighting themes related to stability - mental, emotional, financial or in relationships. It may be helpful to reflect upon these areas - is there anything you want to change, shift, call in? What is your relationship with Earth, structure and routine? Are you in alignment with your values?Do you trust in your worth? Notice what opportunities are presented to you, what invitations you want to accept (or deny!).
A few things I’ve enjoyed this week:
♡ Taylor Swift’s new album, my favs are Anti Hero and Vigilante Shit
♡ This Netflix series gave me all the feels, I bawled through episodes 3-8
♡ This podcast interview was beautiful
♡ I started working on the 2023 Year Ahead Spreads and I changed the format so they are easier to read and also really beautiful! You can book now on my site until they sell out!
♡ Stabilize with Restorative Yoga - my 4 class pack is available now
3 of Pentacles + Reflection
The 3 of pentacles is a card about teamwork, collaboration and how we find and utilize our resources. The anthill wasn’t built on it’s own in one day! And no matter how hard we try, we do not exist independently in this world, most everything we do relies on the labor or efforts of others.
This reading asks us to reflect on the way in which we collaborate, what resources we need, and who can help us. This is not the time to go it alone, but rather to seek support. We all have very specific skills and this card highlights how we can use them to create stability in our lives. Perhaps it’s only a matter of recognizing the talents you already have? Or recognizing the talents of another on your “team”.
The pentacles ask us to root down, stabilize and build. This week’s eclipse offers the opportunity to reevaluate the structures in our lives to make them stronger. Tear down anything that’s not a solid foundation and start again. Be patient, persistent and disciplined in your approach.
Vibes:
Work with the Earth Element / Root Chakra, exercises that work the legs and feet, partnerships and fun collabs, do a core values exercise, make a financial plan or budget that highlights your long term goals, restructure your daily routines, recognize the talents of those around you, journal or reflect on what stability means to you, the color red, vetiver and pine, smokey quartz, black tourmaline and bloodstone