Anatomy of a Meltdown 🧬
and a call for courage
The meltdown is happening with my 6 yr old, Ruby (pictured above), but tbh I’m not far off. She is home sick from school and realizes she is missing a field trip that she’s been excited about for weeks. She starts to lose her shit and throw her markers in my face, so I pick her up and take her to the bedroom, so we can be in a safe space. I sit in front of the door and lean back into it, braced for what is about to go down. She’s wailing, throwing, hitting - a chaotic swirl of disappointment, anger and sadness - so big I think it might take over us both, tsunami like in its power.
I know I have to stay calm and weather this storm, but it’s not easy for me. Here is the anatomy of a meltdown from my experience:
Head: A mix of dark and light in my mind. One voice says, “This is fucking ridiculous, we need to get the fuck outta here!”. The other is stretching out past the incoming waves for a solution, trying to remember what I’ve studied, I stop and feel my body on the ground, close my eyes and take a few breaths, I try to stay regulated so she can co-regulate, I open my eyes and notice the items around the room. “Let her feel, she is not a threat”, the other voice reminds me.
Jaw: Clenched down, locked tight, holding back the urge to scream or laugh in her face
Hands: Holding them up in a defensive position because now she’s punching me in the head….breathe…..stay calm….set the boundary - “No, I’m not going to let you hit me, I have to stop you”, I say as I wrap my hands around her wrists and hold them down at her sides, it takes all my strength.
Head: “Jesus she’s beating you the F* up, scream at her!” says one voice. “Remember, she can’t stop herself, she’s lost in the swirl. Don’t get caught up in it too”, say another.
Heart: In a vice. I hate seeing her in pain, her disappointment. I want to make it better, to fix it, to ease it, to make it stop. Is that for my comfort or hers? Definitely both.
Head: “Don’t say anything! Don’t try to rationalize or invalidate or minimize her experience. Stay with the squeeze, sit with the discomfort, let down the wall, her pain is ok.”
Arms: Outstretched, calling her in - she resists and resists and resists, still raging, but eventually (what feels like an eternity) she comes to me and collapses into my arms. I rock her gently as she cries.
Head: '“THANK GOD!”
Heart: eases, lets down the guard, feels it, a few tears come as I think of the many more disappointments that she will face. I hope I can hold her through them all. I hope she can learn to hold herself too.
This one was hard, but it turned out okay. There have been many more before this in which the dark voice won, in which I didn’t have the tools, enough sleep or patience to actually stay regulated. So much of the relational healing I’ve done has been through a somatic lens, noticing the triggers, then feeling the experience in my body, and asking what each part might say to me if it could.
In my childhood I learned to fawn, to people please, to be the one who held other’s pain. I wasn’t allowed to have tantrums or punch my parents in the head, they didn’t know how to regulate, there was no co-regulation, only emotional suppression. Ruby’s outburst trigger me, it’s taken me a lot of work to get to the place where I can understand them and welcome the release I know she needs.
I want so badly to teach her or rather, model to her the tools for emotional maturity and coping with discomfort. I want her to know it’s ok to feel and trust in her ability to weather the storm. This is how we break cycles in our lineage and heal, to equip ourselves with tools our family didn’t have, or at least didn’t make use of.
Scorpio Season is such a great time to dig deep into our deep emotional waters, to transmute and transform old energies and patterns - what cycles are you breaking now? What patterns are you ready to release? How are you creating better stories for those that come after you?
Work with me:
Strength + Power
This week will call on our courage and personal power. Scorpio energy is associated with power and eclipses help to change, shift and shake up old patterns. One of the animals associated with Scorpio is snake, this is a time when we are embodying snake medicine, shedding our skins.
Last week’s full moon illuminated what changes need to be made, and now it’s time to make it happen. What are we shedding, releasing? As we shed the old skin, we may feel quite vulnerable, sensitive to our environments. If your energy or vitality feels low, go inward, rest, and withdraw for a bit.
Summon your self confidence, trust your intuition, have the courage to face your fears, set strong boundaries and stand in your power. Power isn’t about control, it’s about where we put our attention. This is the time to reinvigorate your own self esteem and inner authority, you are powerful - don’t lose faith.
Vibes:
the colors red and yellow, positive affirmations, anything by Brené Brown, power poses (warriors, squats, lunges, super woman), dress in a way that makes you feel confident and powerful, EFT on power, a list of everything you’ve accomplished